…and the wheel in the sky keeps on turning

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Weeeeell now.

Seems I haven’t updated at all… since forever.

Let’s see here…..

 

I went back to the land of the Rising sun. It was glorious. I stood in the Shadow of the Moody Lady, and gave myself to another Goddess.

I am, again, in the midst of school, and all the stresses therein. However, I do think I may actually swim instead of sink.

My family is once again stabilized, as it was off-kilter for a short time. We have resolved some issues and are mending nicely. (Not to worry, we were not having such issues to break a family, just simply pulling one of our own upon their feet).

 

I am, in my own way, rediscovering my love of writing, and will be coming back here, sooner rather than later, to make sure that I put these words into actions upon the virtual pages.

 

❤ Azzi

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The Spiritual Reset and Life Update

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I know that there are at least a few people left that read me.

 

This is to be short.

 

I have the Spiritual Reset and Updated Outmodes already written.

They will be up shortly (as in, give me another month).

Things aren’t going as smoothly as planed.

After Action Review

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After Action Review (AAR): time taken out after a task, training, or event to discuss actions and tactics. This is the time where you make notes for improvement and start making plans for what happens next.

Rewind. Relive. Review

Part 1: School

These first three Quarters are already over. Nine Months have passed since I started there, and already I am thinking I want to leave. It’s not the staff. It’s not the faculty. It’s the STUDENTS.

Half the people who start here are directly out of High School (as in “OMG I totally just like, graduated in June!”). Having to interact in a microcosm is hard enough. Being forced to interact with people who are old enough to take responsibility for themselves without actually knowing what responsibility is: nearly impossible.

As young Soldiers go, being totally unaware is, almost literally, beaten out of you. That’s what Basic Training *is*. You will know what direction the Sun rises; you will know how to wipe your own ass; you will know whose fault it is, and take the punishment when its YOURS. Otherwise: you will be handed your own backside. It doesn’t end there: once you get to a Unit, if you STILL haven’t taken a hint: congratulations, you are the Company’s Whipping Private until further notice. You will learn. PERIOD. In Helvetica, even.

Civilians can’t be treated that way. So they can refuse to learn, and get away with causing problems, and there’s nothing anybody can really do about it (unless the Cops can be involved: legal trouble seems to be the only viable threat). These kids are repeating the same, over-dramatized, self-indulgent mistakes, and expecting a different outcome. I believe Einstein called that “insanity”. These “issues” that they have, whether its ‘OMG I loooooove hiiiiim but he doesn’t liiiiike meeeeee!’ or ‘WTF why aint I passing this class! I spend like, 30 minutes on this homework!!’ to ‘well its your attitude that has just been too much lately’ are thrown as far afield as possible, to have as many people involved as possible, that it can, quite literally, affect everyone at the school. It’s like having social herpes. Not that I am free of guilt: I talk to my friends, and let them know what is on my mind. I am NOT, however, defaming anyone, or creating rumors about people, or telling people to not be around certain individuals.

And I’m the one on Meds. What a waste have we that we can no longer trust another Human to be decent.

Part 2: Money

I am Unemployed. I know this. I’m not ashamed. Nor am I actively seeking employment. How, you may ask, am I affording all my nice things AND school full-time at a FOR-PROFIT Uni?

The Post 9/11 GI Bill.

There’s 3/4 of my livelihood in four words. the rest is Disability. As in: Congratulations! The Army broke you! Here’s money so that we can say we are kinda taking care of you! You are all of you invited to live the life I live, work free, if you do as I did: 4.5 years enlisted in the United States Army, two of which were spent in Baghdad. Be my guest. We can then laugh our asses off with “so no shit there I was” and “you aint gonna believe this shit!” all day long.

These together make it so that I have a roof, food and clothes. These things pay for my transportation. These things pay for my (rather expensive but required) art supplies. These things are paying for what is MINE. I earned this money. I earned this education. I am paying my penance. So whats the problem? I am paying more for what isn’t mine than is. I am paying for someone Else’s lifestyle at the cost of my own, with what I have earned. That’s an argument waiting to happen, especially now. Being a broke college student is frustrating, I know. Being a broke, broken, and decently earning college student is infuriating. I spent my time, my heart, and my body for the opportunities I have now. I’m being slighted. I know what I want to do about it. The issue there is that it requires what I’ve earned to stay with me, so that I can afford to get what I deserve. You are more than welcome to call me selfish. Please Do, in fact. I was told once that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to protect yourself.

Part 3: Mind

Mine is broken. As in, that’s half of my disability. If the last six months have taught me anything, it is that my mind is no longer under my control. I hope that I am not truly lost, but the Path has become inundated with reeds and brambles, and quite marshy. Parts of my personality are fighting each other for control of who I am today. Their common enemy, though, seems to be my Anger, and its sidekick, my Temper. These two are a formidable force to be reckoned with. Even the Hole that is my Depression isn’t big enough to keep them at bay. My Meds (prescribed, mind you, and non-narcotic) is an anti-depressant that I was initially receiving for its off-label use for insomnia. My bottle currently reads: Take one tablet by mouth once a day at bedtime as needed for mood or sleep can increase to 2 tablets nightly if needed for sleep/ PTSD.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am still being evaluated. DISCLAIMER: Army medicine teaches you to take some Motrin, rub some dirt on it, and forget it ever happened. I am having experiences. There are mornings that I still wake up in Baghdad. I couldn’t find my weapon for two months, and had a few episodes where it made me so angry that I broke things, because I thought I was going to have to pay for it. I keep walking into the student store at school and the 7/11 expecting the 550 cord and pocket knives to be next to the paper supplies. I am afraid to drive. I keep making threat assessments for the roads in my area, looking for moved piles of trash, dead animals, and new pot-holes. I even printed a few off. When I realized I had no one to report to, I burned them, just like any other SECRET information.

My family doesn’t know this yet. At least they didn’t when I ran away to a foreign country for my birthday. They’ll probably wonder who the f*ck is writing this.

It’s ME.

I am not well.

I am not apologizing.

I am not the same person I was.

Yuletide Meditations

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Yule Blessings57-512

I am not necessarily a mighty contemplater of the deeper secrets of the past. I would much rather think on the seagull before me, alone, standing upon the light post, surveying the sunrise with me. This beautiful, bright lavender red pink orange yellow just before the Sun hits the horizon-line. This is the Dawn at the End of the World; or the Beginning. I am reminded of Augra, and the Great Conjunction, except we have one Sun, and currently Sagittarius is pointing right at it, as it comes up once every 26000 years, right through the visual center of our Milky Way. As the gull and I sit, Life, apparently, goes on. A Woman walks her dog. The store below me is open, and the people come for their morning coffee. Cars move down to the Beach, or the Highway.

I am up several hour early to watch THIS sunrise.

Today is Yule, the Winter Solstice.

Today is December 21st, 2012.

This day, we lose the guidance of our great ancestors, those who saw us before we were even an Idea.

This is the day the Mayan Long Calendar ends.

The chill before the dawn. I can see the brightness that only means one thing: Sol is upon us. The Sun is Risen. The mountains and treeline between us prevent my eyes from the sight, but I know the Sun has breached the Horizon. It is always the best comfort, any day of the year.

I didn’t leave the house yesterday. I was planning out the Christmas Presents Display, and was, unfortunately, glued to my TV set. The Prophet Nostradamus, as vague as a cat when it speaks, penned an Illustrative Collection, which was conveniently “Recently Discovered”, and appeared far to easy to interpret, next to his Quatrains. I am unaware of anything else so hotly debated than this day, that there are three separate, current calls for the “End of All”.

The Solstice is a time of change, of Transition. This is the time when you decide: continue forward or change the thing to a better Balance. Samhain, the Deep Night, is a time for Seeing, when you ask yourself if you are best serving your Balance. Yule, I have found, is the best time to enact the changes to you Balance, that the Gods may know your intentions for the coming year, and are able to better guide you for the next Turn of the Wheel.

Sol has blinded me. Father Sun is fast breaking over the obstructions between Him and Me on our part of this horizon. The morning has literally just turned to Gold. There are more birds on the light post. Small finches occupy the wire, and the gull has come and gone some five times now. Some single crow finds his voice, then another, and another. Life, again, has decided that it will continue as it has, here on our corner by the Beach. The Birds will sing, the Waves will crash quietly behind all other noises, and the Woman with her dog will still walk the block. I can imagine the stillness of the Forest, which is not yet a mile from me. The quiet places along the trails, the animals, the creek, cold as the Ocean, but fresh and clean enough to drink.

Sol is now fully over the horizon and begins His journey across the sky, nearly free of all visual obstructions, save birds and telephone wires. He changed the colors again, to light blue of the distance, and white in our foreground. The Day is Open, welcoming. All comers now have the choice: Will we continue the previous Path? This well worn route our shoes have already tread? Shall we start anew? Burn all to the ground and begin again? Or will we rise to the Occasion, take our Brothers and our Sisters within our arms and let Love be our answer, let Trust guide us forward on a Path we, as a Whole People, have yet to journey together?

I choose to go down the Path of Love and Trust. I pray that more will follow: In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. We will create anew. We will have a Renaissance of our Time, where the Hate and it’s child War will be laid to rest, and there will be Sciences, Art, and Hope.

Once upon a Time

there was a Path that crossed mine

I was afraid to walk it

for it was unfamiliar, and I was young.

Now in my Learned Days

I have come back to that Path

and I recognize it as an old friend

and  now, gladly, walk upon it.

Within my heart I hold

Perfect Love, Perfect Trust

I walk along this path with Hope

I know others here

I am glad of others here.

One day, this Path will be the well worn Path,

others will join us, in multitudes

and we will all

Be Free.

School keeps me away from my New Home

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So for those of you who don’t know me out in the 4Th Dimension, my family and I recently moved. I am happy to announce that my Father, Stepmother, and I are all blissful by the Beach!

In other news: I made Dean’s Honor Roll at my school for having straight A’s my first quarter. *yay*

And so that you don’t think that I’ve been purposefully neglecting my blog, here are some of my projects that I’ve worked on:

*As a note, if you want to use/ reference any of these, ASK ME FIRST! Sharing is caring but stealing is what people eaten by zombies!

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Hope you all enjoy these!

I’ll have more to say once my dust settles down.

ready-steady-RUUUUUN!!!

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AAAAAND THEEEEEYYYYYY’RRRREEEE OOFFF!!!

FULL TILT LEARNING ACQUIRED!

Holy Cow and blessings of the Divine Bovine aside, the first two weeks of school have been a whirlwind of everything life has to offer except war. I am attending the Arts Institute of California – Sunnyvale; my major is Media Arts and Animation. This is an indoor school, with many rooms and lots of things on the walls. I was impressed at the caliber of faculty, from teachers to administrator to the guys that do security (there’s expensive equipment here!). Most here have a first name basis with their Admissions Rep, and my Ms AqK has been so positive and forward thinking that I barely had to do anything at all to enroll beside let the school know “I wanna learn good here”. She even gave me the school tour before orientation so that I would be more comfortable and familiar with my environment. She explains that the school does 4hr classes once a week, don’t be late, and that school is Monday through Saturday, 8AM-10PM. The major specific teachers are all industry professionals: they could all be making more money elsewhere (and have done so) but they choose to be here to train and develop the next generation of industry professionals. This last week of meeting all these bright minds around me has made my brain go into overdrive with trying to keep up the pace and practice. I start on –

Day Zero: Orientation. It was a mess of a mass of bodies going through these brightly colored hallways that are a touch claustrophobic for me. We sat and listened to many speakers, from the school President to our Academic Directors. Then we go to this room and that room to fill out information and double check our info and stand in line to get this form and make sure we fill that out correctly. Business as Usual for the Army mentality. Next is the ID card – pick it up, get your sticker, go buy your kit. Kit. Universal Kit of physical art supplies for three of the majors here.  Go home you’re good SEE YOU MONDAY!!!

Day One: Class One is Portfolio Foundations for me, which really isn’t just what the class is about. It’s more “Intro to the School: Ins and Outs of Not F*cking up at AI”. First thing is first, our very worldly and energy centered teacher (who has quite the psychology background and moxie to back it) has us be friendly and talk. A LOT. I meet so many people I can hardly keep track of the names. I’m out of school by noon and head home for lunch.

Day Two: Class Two is Fundamentals of Design. Our teacher has a sense of humour: break into groups and learn about each other, then you get to introduce each other up in front of the class. Oh huzzah. Then it’s Death by Powerpoint and DRAW DRAW DRAW. Out of class by Noon again.

Day Three: Class Three is Image Manipulation – otherwise known as Photoshop Class. Its a walk through of the program and already there are three assignments due. “Make me pretty pictures the way I showed you in our program and upload them to the class art dump”. That was fun!

               Class Four is Color Theory. Death by Powerpoint by probably the only teacher who I could sleep through. Then it’s WE PAINT! in accents from the Eastern Block. Another assignment already: make a color wheel, and keep it pretty. Huzzah again, I can finger-paint my homework! Out of school by Dinner Time.

Day Four: Class Five is Language of Animation by my Program Director. Four Hours of light humor, cartoons, a lecture on professionalism, and “this one time…” stories about working at R&H, PXr, and a few other places of awesome that send most of us into “that would be EPIC” daydreams. Again Home for Dinner.

Day Five: Class Five is my only GenED this Quarter – College English. My instructor doesn’t like the Lecture/ Essay/ Grade structure, so its not a “class”, its a Writing Workshop. Perfect. This guy understands the Idea of Learning is Fun. Home by Noon.

During all of this there are faces that keep repeating, and those faces now have names. I even “hung out” like a normal person! The only thing is: so many people here are so young. There is this theory that was out some time ago about Floating Identities. You can be whoever you want to be in a new place; New Identity is the Gateway Drug to New Social Norms. The problem I’m having is that these actors haven’t been on stage before, and their Floating Identities change like a cloud in the wind. To make things even more confusing, everyone still feel the need to justify themselves for their actions, as if no one in the world could ever take them at their word for who they are.

I also notice that everyone is falling in love the first week of school. At least three of my friends have confessed their love for someone they just met and are hoping that by midterm they will have the title of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”. The idea that the first person you meet after high school is going to be your One and Only isn’t new, but it is sure annoying!

I just need to keep breathing

 

In Out In Out In Out In Out In Out In Out In